A lot of shame and insecure thinking arises trying to share my transformation story. I realise all my hardships were self-inflicted, like I played the victim and the culprit. It was all my own fault and actually there were never any hardships in the first place, it was all just down to the way I was seeing things.
Luckily I can see the innocence and the misunderstanding in my previous perspective and it makes me appreciate the transformation all the more. The fact is when you see things differently, your world changes.
What I saw before
It looked like I had a fantastic life. I had everything I thought I was supposed to have - 2 gorgeous daughters, a successful career, a perfect partner, money, holidays and on and on and yet I was insecure, jealous, paranoid, angry, anxious, scared and underneath it all deeply sad.
Suddenly all my confidence had gone, I started having panic attacks, felt insecure at home, at work, on social occasions and had no idea what to do, how to act, what I should say or how to ensure I was accepted and loved.
I took it out on the people closest, the people I loved, but no matter what they did or what I did nothing changed. From the age of 13 I drank socially way beyond excess. I tried drugs for a time and got trapped in compulsive, irrational behaviours like smoking, overeating and causing arguments to test how loved I was. I didn't like who I had become. In fact I hated myself. I didn't know why I acted that way but no matter how much I wanted to I just couldn't stop.
I just wanted to sleep and hide – work, sleep and hide. One morning, Matt took our baby daughter downstairs and I just stayed in bed feeling cross and annoyed at the world. I was about to roll over and go back to sleep, avoid another day, when I realised life wasn't supposed to be this way, I had everything, I was extremely lucky and fortunate I had no upsetting past, nothing bad had ever happened to me - there was absolutely no reason for me to be upset and, what's more, even if there had been, people still get on and cope with it - people can still be happy even in the midst of adversity. Life wasn't supposed to be this way and I realised there was no point to life if I didn't know how to be happy. So I decided to try.
So what changed?
As I started to understand how our experience of life is created, I began to see things differently and my world changed.
When I realised my feelings were caused by my thinking and not by what may or may not be going on around me, a lot of my angry, paranoid and jealous thinking just dropped away. It just didn't make sense to ruin my day with thoughts of what might be.
When I realised that no amount of anything was going to change the way I feel, many of the compulsive and destructive behaviours dropped away. They just didn't make sense anymore.
Trying to relax by having a cigarette or a drink, trying to cheer myself up by eating, trying to feel loved by making my partner change his behaviour, all seemed akin to banging my head against a brick wall to cure a headache. No matter how hard I hit it or how much I indulged it was never going to have the desired effect.
I saw to the very heart of the compulsion trap and escaped easily and effortlessly.
But the biggest change occurred during a coaching session about not knowing who I am. It turned into a discussion about my need to be liked and loved by others and my fear of being myself, my fear for being rejected for turning up as me. It made me cry.
I've always been proud of my ability to learn something, practise till I get it right. Sift through all the info to find the right way and when I first recognised and felt a connection to wisdom, to the natural intelligence behind life, I loved it! I felt in that place there was a true source of answers for everything, I could just get connected and see what shows up, but if I wasn't connected I just felt lost and reverted back to looking out there for the right answer. People kept saying "just make it up" and I got it, but make it up compared to what? Some objective out there criteria - right?
Well suddenly I saw it - we're always connected to wisdom; we are wisdom whether we know it or not and nothing we can do can be wrong. There's nothing to be, nowhere to go, nothing to find. Everything you need: confidence, love, passion, fear, doubt, caution, is right here within you, shining just when you need it. So all you need to do, all you ever need to do, is show up and just be you, exactly as you are, because all that's needed in any given moment is YOU.
The only reason we fear rejection by others is because we haven't accepted ourselves!
Through my work I help people break free from the self-loathing, lack of control and judgement that accompanies compulsive behaviour, especially in relation to food, by helping them understand the nature of their experience. Together we celebrate all that is awesome inside and find answers within rather than looking to things that are never going to help.
Life's a ride - wake up and embrace it and see where you go! You really can choose to get on the ride and feel the thrill and the fear, the joy and relief and see where life takes you, safe in the knowledge that whatever you feel, whatever your experience, it's temporary and fleeting and in a moment it's gone and you get to start the ride again!!
Life's a Ride to Get on & Experience