Straight "A" student, loads of friends, good career, pretty (their words not mine!), nice house, fab car, great holidays, financially stable, successful in sports, practical, creative and with two gorgeous sons. But I had been domestically abused by 22, was divorced at 33, lived in 15 houses in 16 years and had been a teacher, police officer and social care worker all in less than a decade.
It seems obvious when written in black and white, but I was eternally hunting for my missing thing. I didn’t know what it was and I couldn’t find it however hard I looked.
I lived in a world of “It will be better when…” — when my husband gets a new job, when my son gets a bit older, when we go on holiday, when we move house. You know how those stories end. It never got better. I never felt better. I just moved onto the next thing to distract myself.
Then, two years ago, I met my very own enlightened gardener. He was earthly, fun, free and warm. He loved nature and reminded me of a time when I used to be mesmerised by a frozen spider's web, or the ebb and flow of a tiny wave. In one of our first conversations I recall saying that I "don't notice things anymore." The first time he hugged me he looked bewildered and said it was like embracing a fridge.
Unwittingly, in spite of myself, my guard began to drop. He didn't know how to be guarded and it was catching.
Through a very difficult coming together for us both someone introduced him to The Three Principles. In his newness to the understanding, he would say (as I was running around the house screaming or sat on the garden bench in despair) "It's just thought K." Like, a million times, on repeat. I was honestly ready to strangle him if he said the T word again! Yet, I found myself reading the Enlightened Gardener in secret as he slept whilst we were on a weekend away.
At a critical point for us, I agreed to spend a couple of hours with the person who had coached him. It didn't go well and I left the session feeling very angry. So, I bought all the books I could find on the subject and set off to prove them wrong. I swayed between "I already know this," to "This is bull," to "Hmmm... maybe..." Then, whilst reading a chapter of the first book, I had my first insight. Layers of thinking disappeared and I saw that I had been living my life by the belief that I was not enough. And I saw a tiny glimpse of the amazing energy source that I embody. I cried for about three hours before calming down and realising I had a lot of apologising to do.
Since then, my journey has been rapid and fascinating. Relationships with friends, family, colleagues, my children and loved ones have completely transformed. I can now catch myself falling into the traps of my thinking — giving me the chance to stop, step back and say sorry (never thought I'd do that!) really quickly.
I set up my business, Chrysalis Transformational Learning, in February 2014 because I passionately want to share this understanding with as many people as possible. Everyone deserves to see though the human illusion to a greater sense of wellbeing, and to feel their innate resilience more constantly in their lives. I have begun to share this with education professionals and am beginning to make in-roads into schools. Imagine learning this so early on in life or having this knowledge as an educator. My eldest son and I talk about his thought cooker — he's a sensitive little angel and it has given him a fantastic freedom from his fears and feelings of overwhelm.
Never in a million years did I think I would look out at the world from a sense of such calm; knowing that nothing can hurt or damage me. What I truly am, under the outfit of repeated thoughts which created my identity, is pure energy and consciousness at play. In that space, I am invulnerable, but for my thinking. There is no need to defend, or fear or protect myself. This is freedom.
My learning journey never ceases to amaze me. Just when I think I've "got it," something pops up to show me even more. Bring it on...